hey.. im sorry i didnt have the heart to tell you when we were talking.. the doctor if i don’t get healthy ill be dead within a year i dont have the heart to tell my family or you i know it’ll kill everyone so if i dont get healthy here is everything i do only a few people know.
i think about killing myself everyday i stood on a ledge for an hour praying and hoping that i could be saved no one came to my help no one was around i found i have to do things for myself no one is there to help only yourself. i have major depression i go through my day smiling and laughing but i am dead inside no one knows no one will know besides tumblr. i thought i was getting better until i got that text back from you it reminded me that i am still horribly broken im tired of crying and feeling empty and out of place. i self harm i punch walls till my knuckles bleed and slam my head into walls also different kind of harm i guess. ive only loved two girls and the second one is the one you guys know when you say the one you wanna marry and grow old with i lost my chance i stll hope everyday for her to come back i am still fighting to get her but ive said all i can say theres nothing more i can do but play the waiting game but its near the end where i am losing my hope and my mind. i scream and scream but no one can hear it or see it through my smile. ive gone with my feelings and ive lost ive gone with my mind ive thought of every reason to live and to die there are more reasons for me to die then anything else ive thought of every outcome to why i should live and the reasons why the only one would be her i dont blame her for any of this nor do i blame myself i hope she does not read this it will kill her more then it will kill me. i dont eat i havent in a month i dont plan on eating soon it shouldnt matter. ive tried turning to what friends i have left even if they have gone through what im going through they arent me they dont think the same they dont act the same they arent in my mind they still cannot understand they arent me. im emotionally drained i feel numb every day i can’t do this anymore i really can’t ive held on for years and years but i think i have finally been pushed passed my limit. i guess you could say this is my death note maybe just a confession or maybe i just wanna be heard by people who don’t don’t know me so they don’t know where i live so no matter what happens they can’t stop me even if they did they couldn’t in the end its my choice. i have a lot more to say but not enough time nor reason to share anymore.
so i sit here waiting to see what my mind wants to do. thanks for reading tumblr.
